Total Confusion and Poison Control

After a trip to the pediatrician for M's 5-year check-up (a visit I'm too tired to recount), we were settling in for an uneventful, rainy afternoon. The doc had also looked in R's ear for me and discovered that there was, as R had claimed, "a boo-boo in my ear." I gave R his antibiotic and gave M Tylenol for her poor legs that endured four immunizations. I wandered back to my room to feed my cherub and enjoy a few moments of quiet. Too quiet.

R: Mom, that green medicine didn't work, so I had to get some new medicine.
L: What? Did you take some medicine?
R: ............No.
M: Yes, he did. His breath smells like medicine.
(I sniff. I smell cherry Children's Tylenol. I run into the kitchen to find the Tylenol bottle that I left open sitting on the counter and the little medicine cup next to it.)
L: Robert, did you drink this?
R: No.
L: ROBERT. Did you drink this? Tell me the truth.
R: No.
L: TELL ME THE TRUTH RIGHT NOW. It's very important. Did you pour some of this into this little cup and drink it?
R: Hmmm.
L: WHAT?
R: HMMM. HMMM.
L: What does that mean? Yes?
R: Uh huh.
L: YES???
R: Yes.
L: How many times did you fill up this little cup? Tell me the truth.
R: Hmmm.
L: How many times?
R: I take two sips.
L: You took two sips? Or filled it up two times?
(He holds up three fingers.)
L: You filled it up three times? ROBERT. TELL ME.
R: Hmmmm.
L: ROBERT, did you drink three cups of this?
R: Two sips.
L: You took two sips.
R: I fill it up three times.
(By this time I'm on the phone with poison control, trying to recount the details of this ridiculously unclear story.)
L: ROBERT. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT. TELL MOMMY THE TRUTH RIGHT NOW. TELL ME HOW MUCH YOU DRANK.
R: Where am I going? (He thinks we're going back to the doctor.)
L: You're not going anywhere. You're not in trouble. But I need to know RIGHT NOW how much you drank.
R: I didn't drink any.
L: YOU JUST TOLD ME YOU DRANK THREE CUPS. DID YOU???????????!!!!!!!!!!!
R: Hmmm.hmm.
L: WHAT???????!!!!!!
R: Uh huh. Yes.
All the while, the poison control lady is asking me details about the bottle, throwing out different fractions that might describe the "worst case scenario", and imploring me to do my best to evaluate how much he drank. Millie was loving every minute of the drama. Peggy was crying. Have I ever mentioned that I don't deal well with stress? That stressful situations aren't my best parenting moments?

I've condensed this conversation. It was fifty times this long. I braced myself for: Mrs. Murray - we're going to need you to take R to the emergency room. Thankfully, the sweet lady came back and said I could give him a cup of water and watch him at home.

I mentioned in my last post that I was so content with my identity. That it was the greatest. A cashier at Wal-Mart made me realize this may not be so true. I made a quick run sans children a few Saturdays ago to buy baby food. While I was in the check-out line, a guy walked up behind me who had grown up at my home church. He was several years younger, but I always knew who he was. So I said hello and chatted while we waited. When it was my turn to pay, the cashier looked at him, then me, and said, "Is he your son?"

EXCUSE ME???????????????

"Is he your son?"

NO.

"Do people ask you that all the time?"

NO. Are you an idiot?

I'm kidding. I wasn't mean to her. I just laughed in a "that's really funny but not really" sort of way and walked off, feeling mortified that someone thought I could have a 27-year-old SON.

Why did I care? Why do I care? Because I am VAIN. That's why. And not just a little. I may be the most vain person on the planet. I have a bad haircut right now. And roots. And grays. And cellulite. And it stinks.

I wrote this post a couple of months ago and have been waiting to finish it with something deep and inspiring, but to heck with it. A 5.18.10 update, though. I have a better haircut, and I highlighted my own hair (not great, not terrible); the highlights helped the roots and some of the grays. As for the cellulite...hmmm...no quick fix for that one. But no one has asked me this week if I have an adult child, so that's something, right??